


Oneshot

by Kuro_Guardian



Category: Naruto
Genre: All AU All the TIme, Also I broke Team Ten, Avenger!Naruto, Breaking Team Seven, Breaking lots of things, But there is some canon so there's that, Character Death is with us like a presense, Gen, Or that time Itachi was a decent stealth mentor, Racer X!Itachi, Relax I don't believe in character bashing, Team Amoral
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-06
Updated: 2016-03-03
Packaged: 2018-05-18 11:33:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5926909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kuro_Guardian/pseuds/Kuro_Guardian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Imagine the ability to perform an task perfectly the first time you attempt. Now imagine that every subsequent attempt met failure in some way. This is the lot of Naruto Ito a boy determined to knock "fate" down to size.  AU of course - I don't know how to do anything else.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay guys - for the next 4-6 chapters or so... canon like character death is gonna be with us like a presence. There will be definite changes (mwahaha) but it's nothing to wild or absurd. And then things are kind of gonna go completely off the tracks - and Team Amoral is gonna be so much fun! Or something... I don't know things happen. Just a head's up!

Naruto Ito is rather honestly pissed. Throwing another kunai at the bull's-eye he can't for the life of him figure out why he can't replicate his original success. It had been perfect. Five kunai in a single bull's-eye. Not even that brooding Uchiha kid could claim the same - but now he couldn't seem to get another bulls' eye for anything. "What am I doing wrong?" Or was Umino-sensei right…. Was it a fluke?"

If so it is a fairly common one - at least for Ito-kun. His life is a series of them. Missing questions on tests he'd answered with no problem in class. Flawless execution of jutsu he always failed in practice sessions. A precision in taijutsu that never seemed to remain after that first session of form-taught. It was why he was a solid if only average student…

Giving up the kunai targeting as bad shot Naruto decides to go home. "I guess I'll always be 'one-shot Ito!" Not that he cared; hell if the Hokage hadn't mandated he do the full-term he'd have used his "luck" to pass the early graduate test the Academy has. Smiling he barely notices his Anbu nanny flickering along behind him. 'That is still fucking bizarre. Oh, well if pop left the money for it - than it has to be important.'

Arriving at the snug little Ito compound Naruto flicks his dark hair out of his eyes as he searches for his keys. "Ito-chan? Keys left pocket are." Nodding absently the eight-year-old digs out his keys and waves his nanny goodnight. 'Creepy.' The smell of breakfast still lingers in the empty house reminding him of a time when others resided her with him. Brushing away the darkness that threatens Naruto decides to go to bed. He can always eat tomorrow.

000

"Fuck! Do you always gotta be such a showoff?" Grinning at the exasperated Inuzuka Naruto eyes shine brightly with mirth. He normally never tries harder then he has to on a first attempt. It's only afterwards that he trains like mad for results that always fall short of the mark however small the margin. Of course that means he currently holds the position of fourth in class ranking, and the position of second in how irritating he is, at least for the class's boys.

Sadly the class girls… err are a different story. "Wow! You're amazing Ito-chan. Will you go on a date with me?" The bunshin shrugs before fading away leaving Kiba to take the wrath of a spurn fan girl. Laughing as he jumps the fence to play hooky with Chouji and Shikamaru Naruto couldn't imagine anything getting him down.

000

"Any jutsu, any ability - mental or physical, any action you take is subject to your bloodline Naruto. A perfect attempt is possible only once and there after failure awaits that endeavor." The vernable Hokage can only sigh at the look of devastation Naruto directs at his shoes, especially as there is more. "Naruto this bloodline is the sole providence of your original clan."

Bright, blue eyes pin him with a near physical force, "I am Ito - the last Ito." Briefly the eyes flash purple and Sarutobi is ever so glad the jinnchiruki is tasked with his curse of a bloodline. "No, no child. You are an Uzumaki from your mother and a Kazuma from your father. The Uzumaki were the ones with the Perfect defect bloodline. It was how they came by their name - those who would not succumb were like fools fighting the inevitable. Those who could not overcome became mad - sucked down in the swirling maw of insanity."

"So my choices are either become a walking, talking exercise in futility or a pitiful side story?" The flat look in the boy's eyes is unnerving - eyes roaring pits of black with the thinnest ring of blue about them - perhaps this talk was a mistake? "No child, no - surely you've noticed your learning curve is exceptional? That is simply because you have a potential to learn that ensures you'll be a man of renown regardless of your path or genetic disorder."

Sliding his eyes shut the ten-year-old realizes perfectly well that the Sandaime is subtly trying to sway him from becoming a ninja. "Thank you, however my path is clear - I will be a ninja if only to spit in Fate's face. I will even go so far as to become Hokage. The day I put on your mantle is the day all Uzumaki will be vindicated and the specter of Fate permanently slain. This I affirm upon the heart beating within my chest - **believe it**!" Struck silent the elder can only watch his ward walk away. Turning to the fourth's picture he smiles. "Great - another hopped up brat!"

000

"You fail!" And Naruto smiles. He detests every single girl in his class and refuses to be paired with any of them. Besides which most of the boys hate him, so - "I see. Thank you for your time Iruka-sensei, Mizuki -sensei. I guess I'll see you next year." Walking out he's glad he sat through one or two early graduation sessions otherwise he might have passed regardless of his previous success and subsequent failures at the Bunshin jutsu. Sitting in the lone swing a shadow falls over him.

Looking up to see Mizuki-san Ito notices something unnatural in Mizuki's stance and wishes he hadn't been such an analytical child, but then it'd been a necessity considering… "Hello sensei. What do you want?" The smile the older man gives him is hidden mostly by the sun glare, but it doesn't inspire any warm feelings. "Well Ito-kun I felt - "Two women point at him talking loudly. "My sister says -" "Strange like that woman… mm Uzuhaji?" "Died during the attack." "Like her baby…"

"So what do you think?" Nodding absently it takes a moment to realize he has **no** idea what he's agreeing to. "Great - the scroll is in the tower in a room near the Hokage's office. It has no real defenses. We'll meet at the shed we use for hostage situation training." Smiling kindly the man walks off. 'How very odd… Thank goodness my old nanny isn't here - I'm pretty sure Mizuki is behaving traitorously.'

000

Writing down the last jutsu Naruto knows damn well that pretty much each and every jutsu he's written is a one-shot deal never to be attempted again. Failing with kunai and shuriken is one thing, failing with these jutsu… 'Especially that last one. Geez, that last thing I need is a pissed Death God after my ass.' Something niggles in the back of is head, but - "Demon brat!"

Barely dodging Naruto rues every single taijutsu spar he has ever had. "I have no fucking idea what you're talking about traitor. Looking to follow Aoi-teme's footsteps?" Briefly running over his options Naruto decides that Kage Bunshin is his best bet of a good, decisive victory. 'Besides I can probably perfect that one with enough practice. Plus it can help me re-learn the other shit I screw up!"

Smiling manically the over-confident chunnin ignores his "prey's" rapidly raising chakra. "Fool, but no… you've never known and since that old idiot actually kept his mouth shut… You were an infant newly born when the fox struck twelve years ago. Lacking any other option the fourth sealed the fox demon into you and the Sandaime allowed you to live." Tuning out whatever else the obviously unbalanced chunnin has to say Naruto decided he need to have a "talk" with a certain old man.

"Naruto! Mizuru!" Interestingly enough both chunnin and academy student share the thought, 'well fuck'. Now Iruka will never know it, but his showing up is going to fuckup about -ah three millennia of planning give or take a century. When he dies he will be sent to Limbo while Gods, Demons, and … other concepts battle it out over who gets to hand his ass to him. Fortunately a mere three hundred years later Naruto find him and with Shikamaru's help sneaks him into Heaven. How he snuck from there to Nirvana is anyone's guess.

Anyway, "What da hell is going on?!" Even though Naruto has never been good at sarcasm since the "Ibiki/Anko" incident he decides to give it a whirl- what could it hurt? "Mizuru's a traitor who tricked me into giving him the scroll and who just spilled an S-class secret out here where any fool could hear it… Is he in trouble sensei?" Enjoying the sound of crickets while the adults gape, the eleven-year-old decided his sarcasm is getting better even if it is a bit - subtle? OFF? Something. Blinking Iruka gets a hold of himself. "Yes, I'd say Mizuru is in quite a lot of trouble Naruto."

'Perfect.' Instantly he smile, "Does this mean Mizuru-baka needs to be subdued?" When the instructor nods slowly Naruto grins brightly before creating an even two hundred clones and pointing at a terrified failure of a human being. "Don't kill him, but feel free to insure the end of his future as a ninja." The sound of their combined laughter is disturbing… almost demonic. "Iruka! Hel-" And the woods resound with the sound of… ah... Ill-adjusted children at play. "Look at that! What is it?!" "Who cares tear it off!" "The skin or the arm?" "Skin and arm, but don't destroy the tattoo."

000

An hour latter with a still bemused Iruka sent off to bed Naruto stares meaningfully at his surrogate grandfather. "So - I can be told my parent's names. And I can be told I have a bloodline. I can be told I'm adopted, doomed to madness or failure, and any number of uncomfortable things, but not that there is a bloodly huge fox in my gut! Why?"

Wincing Sarutobi realizes it does seem kind of ass backwards put that way. "I wanted you to have a normal childhood Naruto." When Naruto simply tilts his head at _that_ angle the Hokage belatedly remembers how abnormal the child's life has been this far. 'To have your entire family slaughtered by hunter-nin… Disguised hunter-nin from your own village at that. If the effects of killing him at six hadn't been so dire I might not be speaking to the child right now.' "Ah, after an event like that can't you see why I'd withhold such information?" An awkward, but recognizable hand sign **:Laughter:** and again **:Laughter:**

Thirty minutes later an annoyed Sandaime dismisses him with a hitiate and a strict admonish to show up at the academy tomorrow. "Some gratitude. It's a stupidly simple request - 'Send me back to the academy'. I don't see what the problem is I mean there's an odd number of kids in my class anyway. I'm actually helping out by _not_ graduating. Psh, whatever." Deciding to give it a go Naruto tries to perform a shushin and nearly gets it right although he overshoots his goal by about a foot. "Oh, well as long as I'm not stuck with Sasuke or one of his rabid fan girls" Feeling a chill he tosses his hitate across the room and heads to bed.


	2. Chapter 2

“No!” Everyone stares as one of the most low-maintenance boys in class completely wigs out. “Hell fucking naw Iruka-senpai! I am not the dead-last. Shika-fucking-maru is! I’m fourth, tied for third actually if we’re gonna split hairs and I demand another team!” Panting from his outburst Naruto can feel his eyes dilate as killing intent begins to pour off him. “I made a vow to avenge the sacrifices of my mother’s kin and to slaughter the grass nin who murdered the rest of the Ito clan. I can’t do that if my teacher focuses on the _precious_ Uchiha!”

 

Fighting past his initial rage Iruka counts to three. “Naruto it is the Hokage’s decision that your team be as such. My hands are tied-” “BULLSHIT! He merely approves them **you** decide on composition being the one who knows us best! Think dammit! Arrogant asshole plus thoughtless fan girl equals casualties the first time we leave the village! I can’t die with an oath unfulfilled! I’ll end up a vengeful ghost!” As one the room flinches since being a ninja village Konoha has it fair share of the things. Only a month ago a child was drowned by one while her mother screamed a hundred feet off the ground.

 

“Alright! Enough! Shikamaru apologize to your father for me. Team seven Nara Shikamaru, Haruno Sakura, Uchiha Sasuke. Team Eight Inuzakua Kiba, Aburume Shino, Hyuuga Hinata. Team Nine is in current rotation under jounin Gai. Team Ten Akimichi Chouji, Yamanada Ino, and Maschiro Hidori removed form Team One. So Naruto you’re on Team One and fuck if you don’t owe me. Everyone else shut the hell up!” Satisfied the grinning blond sits down arms crossed as the remaining teams are called.

 

‘Team one is weird’, Akarei thinks as he watches them play poker - strip poker. One of the boys is already down to his… bra? ‘Must be the one from the cursed clan.’ Whistling he waves them over and nods once at an interested-looking Asuma. Of course boys (beautiful boys mind you) in female underclothes are something you don’t see everyday quite frankly.

 

Leading the way to his grandmother’s tea house Akarei sits down nodding for them to do so as well. “Team One also known as Team Testosterone - I’m your jounin sensei Renshin Akarei. I like pranks, I dislike snobs, I dream of staining nearly the entire Hyuuga clan pink from head to toe and snapping off enough pictures to see me into a comfortable retirement. Alright your turn brats - likes, dislikes, dreams and whatever else is really important to you. Aha! Sleepy Slut - Go!”

 

The cross-dressing lad blinks and then realizes “her” teammate is the one being pointed at. Elbowing the red-head she points to their grinning sensei. “Sleepy slut 4.1 likes, dislikes, dream, and important miscellanea. Go!” Blinking like a doped-up panda the skinny boy smiles brightly – “Greetings. I am Tadamei Goheno. I like to sleep, I hate to stress. My dream is to one day escape to the Hidden Village of Night… I have no idea why you’re calling me a sleepy slut… I however think you’re cute.”

 

Shocked it is a solid minute before their slender teacher can speak and even then his long, thin face is a red so bright it nearly glows. “Uh-huh… Hungry Git 3.6 - Go!” Staring cross-eyed at the finger poking him in the nose Naruto frowns. “Ito Naruto. I like my surrogate family including the Sarutobi, the Akimichi, and Iruka-sensei. I also like ramen, the color orange, and …pranks.” The smile the student and teacher share promises nothing good for the village. “I hate Sasuke, fan girls, the willfully blind or stupid, and the fuckers who killed my family. I don’t have dreams - I have goals and my teammates know them. Actually the entire class does so the whole village should soon… Um… oh yeah! I’m pretty sure you’re an imbecile!”

 

“That’s funny… I thought you were incapable of sarcasm. Weird. Okay! Funbags 1.18. Go!” Inwardly vowing to kill the little fuckwit Ai smiles sweetly, enjoying his blushing sensei’s discomfort. “I like tea ceremonies, art, and my intended’s muscles.” As she blushes and giggles her teammates just kind of squirm as they mentally defend their sexuality. “Huh, I dislike the narrow-minded, the immature, and my future mother-in-law.”

 

Once the laughter calms down Ai continues, “My dream is to be a renowned kunoichi and the first Akira male to birth a female in over sixty years.” There is a pause as she bites her lip, and Akarei briefly wonders if she’ll share her familial story. Even more briefly he wonders if he should invest in a chastity belt for the boys. “Oh and I agree with Naruto. I think you’re dumber then the “Brides of Sasuke.” At which point the boys crack up to the annoyance of the other customers. ‘Someone is getting itching powder in their training bra.’

 

“Alright. Alright. Before my grandmother can drop-kick us out let me tell you - tomorrow you have a test. Fail and I ship you back to the academy. Succeed and I’m stuck with you. Personally I’d prefer if every one with the exception of Funbags 1.20 failed it. It’s been a while since I’ve been seen with a pretty girl on my arm. Anyway ditch breakfast and meet me at training field sixteen at nine. Dismissed.” Vanishing he leaves the brats to pay the tab. ‘Mwahahahha…wait. Kukukuku. Better.’

 

000

 

The crow circling overhead sounds remarkably like it’s saying, “BA-KA. BA-KA.” Personally Naruto agrees with the pretty birdy. “You are an idiot.  **He** is the copy-cat nin. **We** are academy-fresh rookies. We. Will. _DIE._ ” Nodding in agreement his teammates are pondering the benefits of killing their would-be jounin. “Well, Hatake is like Uchiha Sasuke and most other so called ‘geniuses’ His mindset is dangerously narrow. Thus making him damn-near pathologically prone to underestimating others and their abilities. That’s why I want to send him and those like him a message.”

 

“Good for you, but I want to live.” Panda-kun, as their sensei has decided to call him, cracks a Cheshire-like grin and moves to leave. “I have a bet.” Panda-kun freezes like he’s been hit by liquid nitrogen left ear twitching - “What’s this you say? A bet?” Introducing face to palm his teammates know their united front has surely crumbled. And their jounin instructor knows as well the grin he bears unholy. Who knew green eyes could look so vicious - “Ah yes, a sizable bet. Forty-to-one odds on any damage. Seventy-eight -to- three on moderate damage, and ninety - to- two on severe to fatal.”

 

Panda-kun smirks, “So you say - exactly how much did you place?” Akarei’s eyes glow from the shadows his bird-nest of hair casts. “The pay from my last B-rank mission.” Ignoring the gasps of one teammate and the cutting sarcasm of the other Goheno smiles with eyes glittering ominously - “So anywhere between 97,403 and 365,260 yen at a going rate of at least forty and at most two hundred and ten… I want at least a twenty-percent cut and a week’s vacation.” Figuring he’s getting off lightly Akarei nods. “You’ve got four hours to gear up and a further seven to accomplish your task. Failure is not an option good luck.”

 

000

 

Ruefully rubbing his bruised jaw Goheno comforts himself with dreams of what could be well over fifteen million yen kicking it in his pocket. ‘And I get a floating week of vacation hee!’ “Panda-kun at position A, over.” A brief moment of static sounds before “Bella-chan at position B” and “Troublesome-kohei in place” are heard. “Good. Target is currently instructing what will be Team 7. Do we or do we not engage? Over.” Waiting for a reply Panda-kun studies the poor interaction of the fledgling team, “This one suggests engagement posthaste. Team 7 is unsuitable for advancement. Over.”  Two affirmatives quickly pass his motion. “Honestly we’re probably saving their lives.”


	3. Chapter 3

There are three presences here although all are doing very well as he can’t exactly say who is where or what their overall level is. “Alright you have exactly one hour to retrieve a bell or be sent back to the Academy. Attack with the intent to kill or fail.” A low whistle makes Kakashi’s least active student perk up and frown. “Troublesome.” Mentally shrugging the silver-topped jounin shouts ‘go’ watching his more mentally flawed students disappear.

“You know-” The lazy child interrupts, “Technique success.” Feeling himself slouching Kakashi can only curse himself for not seeing this coming. “Ah, but can you hold it Nara-san?” The boy smirks, “Just long enough for it to matter sensei.” A set of boys appear - boys who resemble a certain abnormal child with dirty blond. ‘Sensei’s son!’ One clone steals the bells and tosses one to Shikamaru; the other steals a certain orange-covered piece of smut before both take off for the woods. “Technique released. I passed both the obvious challenge and the hidden. After all teamwork is teamwork. Now leave me alone I need a nap.”

Vowing dire consequences for the little brat at a later date Sharigan Kakashi takes off after his items. “Viewing of Hell: Corporal Conscious.” Frowning at the strange name the jounin performs a perfunctional kai and then scouts out for chakra. Instead he is met by a beautiful little girl with the biggest orange eyes he’s ever seen. “Mister, can you help me find my daddy? You killed him after all.” Taking a step back he bumps into a solid mass. ‘Solid?’ “My legacy? What has it become of him Kakashi-kun?” “Yeah! Have you changed at all ‘Kashi, you bastard!?!” The corpse coming toward him has him desperately channeling chakra in an attempt to dispel this hell. “Such a disappointment; I expected better of my son.”

As their target continues charging his chakra Ai-chan smirks. ‘That’s the beauty of my genjustsu tags. The effort of dispelling them ends up charging them making that much more effective,’ As the jounin seem to give it up as a bad shot and charges thin air she nods to Naruto. Creating two clones and panting with the effort he nods back as their third member begins pumping chakra into the earth.

Slashing through what he knows is an illusion the genius is blindsided by a foot to the head. Seeing no one he is again hit from seemingly nowhere. Growling he releases a bubble-like burst of lightening-favored chakra fortuitously shorting out the seal between his shoulder. His quick thinking also destroys one of the clones and sends Naruto into spasms. “Alright. What the hel-” “Earthworks: Destruction of a Dark World.” As a blur of blue and white snatches up a semi-conscious Naruto Kakashi vanishes.

Unfortunately he reappears right in the middle of the area-vaporizing jutsu. Performing an incomplete needle guardian the jounin manages to receive only moderate damage. Of course, moderate damage in this case is a wrenched knee, what feels like several bruised ribs plus a broken one and what is definitely a fractured foot. ‘Shit who are these brats?’ “Well fuck, I pump myself damn near dry and you escape nearly unscratched.” Wiping the blood out of his eye and spitting a pinkish gob on the ground the last Hatake grins. “I’m damn hard to kill.” “Tell me about it. Technique success.” Eye wide the injured man looks down to see he is honestly caught in a shadow-bind.

“Are you sure you can handle the pain? Alright.” Seeing the string of handsign Kakashi begins to panic struggling to escape his captor. “Water technique: Great Waterfall Crashing.” Forced to remain standing and upright the trapped jounin can feel little beyond a crushing pressure and sporadic sparks of pain from breaks and tears. “Shit. That hurt like a bitch.” There is a low whistle. “I’m going to assume that definitely counts as severe damage right?” Laughter rings out as the legendary ninja blacks out.

The small room is deathly silent as the unkempt jounin Renshin walks up to the front to collect his money. “Never bet against a Urameshi boys and girls, we’ve got incredible luck. And before you say it, my mother was a Urameshi so there.” Before anyone can retort all eyes are dragged back to the screen as Uchiha Sasuke attacks Team Testosterone. “Bastards!”

“Bastards!” If he were in his right mind Sasuke would know this to be one of his dumbest ideas yet. However, the only thing currently on his mind is that 1.) These people are stronger than him, and 2.) A weakling like Shikamaru got a bell when he didn’t. Far and away the clock continues to chime in mockery of his inability - “I will destroy that man and no one will impede my progress!” Releasing his shadow bind allowing Kakashi to slump into a waiting clone’s arms Naruto sluggishly dodges a wild hit. “What da hell is your problem fuckwit?!”

Ignoring the question and the sudden appearance of his teammates Sasuke unleashes a chunnin-level fire attack at the only member of team one unable to move. As Naruto dashes forward to save or at least shield Goheno, Ai manages to stick a gen slip between Sasuke’s shoulder-blades disguising the action as a weak push. “Back off freak! What kind of sicko goes around in a dress?” Miles away Orochimaru sneezes alerting Sasori to his hiding place. “AHA! I’m gonna skin you alive!” Smirking Ai activates the slip - “Hell Viewing: Failures Surround You.” Leaving the incoherent boy to completely freak out Ai runs to her teammates.

“Shit! Naruto-kun what kind of idiot are you?” Listening to his whisper she blinks blankly and then “gently” smacks him. “Second-degree burns are not cute Ito-kun.” However, even as she says this Ito’s well-known bloodline is rapidly erasing the marks of damage. The last loyal Uchiha is currently screaming himself hoarse as he tears at himself and the air surrounding him. “I always knew you were evil Ai-chan…. What did you do to him anyway?” With a careless shrug she says, “Nothing too bad I just made him relive his greatest failures… It’s normally not that big a deal.”

Watching the gorgeous boy knock out the Uchiha mindless of a confused Haruno’s outraged yells the room of shinobi are silent thinking over what they just saw. “It seems the chunnin instructors are correct. Uchiha Sasuke is unfit for duty due to mental instability. Someone contact Teuni’s head please. If I could get three of you to escort the students of team one and seven to the hospital… Also I need another two to go and stand guard over the Uchiha.” Seeing his orders met with all due haste Sarutobi returns to his office with Team One’s jounin trailing thoughtfully behind him.

000

Three days later the members of Team One are still being glared at by random civilians. Not like they care with over fifteen million yen and a week’s break apiece. Haruno Sakura has also become a problem since apparently she resents having been returned to the academy for remedial studies. Add on that Shikamuru insisted he be allowed back in spite of putting on a good show and that Team Ten failed spectacularly… It’s been a bit hard. Having an idiot for a jounin doesn’t help either.

“Good everyone’s here! I already grabbed a list of D-rank missions for us!” Thereafter “Panda-kun”, “Bella-chan”, and “Troublesome-kohei” walk dogs, watch kids, buy groceries, catch a stupid cat, paint fences, catch that stupid cat, build a shed, catch that godforsaken cat, and “accidently” deliver the brainless cat to the vet to be fixed. Walking to the payment office to grab their chump change they stare creepily at their sensei until he gives in. 

“Alright I know this sucks, but we need at least twelve missions under our belt and no serious mishaps before we can even think about arguing our way into a higher mission.” Stepping out of the way of a grumbling chunnin Ai asks, “Why? I mean why do we need to argue? I mean can’t we just ask?” Eyeing the hallway they stand in shiftily Renshin lends forward to whisper. “We have to take this route because 1.) We are on the shit list. 2.) That bastard Iruka sits at the Hokage’s right hand and 3.) There this weird little restriction in place that says we have to.” Leaning back to smile down at them he continues. “Besides D-missions are the time to build ties, not C-mission where shit can go wrong at any time.” Agreeing the three gennin allow themselves to be led to the payment desk.

“You are ge-” “My students had the teamwork, the drive, and the raw ability to stagger and drop a freaking jounin. And not just any jounin motherfucking Sharingan Kakashi - the copycat nin and original “prodigy”. Besides no stress means no growth and my team has too much potential not to grow.” Firmly keeping their mouth shut least their jaws scrape the ground the three gennin try to project confidence and competence as Sarutobi-sama studies them. “Alright, there is a C-rank mission to Wave. It’s only an escort mission for a bridge builder so don’t expect much.”

As the fat fuck they’re stuck babysitting waddles in Naruto and Ai share a look missing their sensei’s frown and their teammate’s shrug. “These creeps are watching me? The sleepy looking one doesn’t look like he’s able to mind his own ass never mind a person!” Tuning out the self-absorbed fuckwit the gennin turn to their still uncharacteristically serious teacher. 

“Alright, you’ve got an hour and a half to meet up at the gate or so help me I’ll drop this and stick with D-rank idiocy until you’re promoted.” Smiling as the kids gulp and vanish he turns to their client with a grin, “Hey jiji-chan you get my brats in a place they can’t handle and I’ll gut you like a fuckin’ flounder.” Walking out pass a piss-soaked Tazuna the twenty-year-old decides a sputtering Iruka is amusing.

Locking his door Naruto races to the graveyard to tell his family where he’ll be for the next moth or so. The ritual of washing slips him into that strange place of calm he only gets here. As he lights the sticks of incense he smiles glad to realize some things just don’t change. Twenty minutes later and with only five minutes to spare he sprints for the gate.

Slightly winded he nods to his teammates and teacher fully ignoring their charge as he innocently asks, “Why do I smell piss?” Dismissing his superior’s complete cracking up a he can only shrug as Tazuna begins stumping away. “Hold up Tazuna-jijisan. We, me and my teammates, need to establish you within a diamond formation. This is for your protection you senile old goat!” Gaping at the utter disrespect the old drunkern nonetheless holds still as Team One positions it’s self around them the jounin in back and Naruto at point.

000

It’s all pretty routine. Sure there was that big, obvious as hell puddle in the road followed by an attack by chunnins…but really boring. After all, Akarei-sensei yoked them up before they had a chance to hurt anyone and Tazuna sang like a bloody canary afterwards. “So Tazuna, my dear sweet bastard, is everyone as amoral an asshole in Wave or are they all retarded from hunger like you?” Ai tut-tuts about rudeness, but honestly - Konoha is known for its pro bono work. “Come on Ai-chan! Anyone with sense would have just begged for help and played up the PR value.” “Well excuse me if I didn’t know to do so! It’s not like there are any ninja in Wave!”

Four arguments and a half-assed beating later the ninja plus one unscrupulous civilian are practicing silence as they’re paddled in toward shore. “This is as far as I go Tazuna. I wish you luck and hope. “Before a reply can be made the twitchy man is shoving off thin hands tight around his oar. The cold mist seems to swallow him with a sentient malevolence.

Tazuna hangs awkwardly from Renshin’s back as the ninja race toward the town. “My gut tells me death approaches with a careless grin. We need to move” A low humming causes the ninja to take to the air landing awkwardly on the ground. “I see you have my prey trash. Give him up and I suppose I’ll let you leave.”

“Well fuck me sideways. Zabuza, the Demon of Mist. A-class pain in the ass who happens to be the weakest of Mist’s seven swordsmen.” Three flicks of the hand and Akarei stands unencumbered, his students around the trembling architect. The shirtless Zabuza appears to be grinning, madness bright in his eyes - “Kid you annoy me. For that I thank you, it’s always more enjoyable to carve up punks like you.”

“For the record my adorable students if and/or when I fall grab stupid-in-the-middle and high tail it east toward Mist flaring your chakra in the classic S.O.S. format.” Leaving his kids to fend for themselves the “Wizard of Odd” pulls out his signature gloves and sets his watch to ticking. “Do you see this watch? Before it crosses twelve twice one of us is going to be dead. Hopefully it’ll be you - I don’t want to die a virgin.”

Four solid thuds sound behind him with something like a startled laugh coming from the woods to his right. ‘Curiouser and curiouser, Mr. Gyffin sir.’ Snapping his fingers he unleashes a burst of fire that evaporates the few water clones trying to edge closer under the cover of fog. Hands together he shouts out, “Spiritual breakthrough: Flame-lit chaos spiral.” The thickening fog is entirely blasted away leaving Zabuza exposed and bleeding where caught by super hot steam.

“Shit. You’re that fire obsessed retard with the bad jokes.” Ignoring the ‘hell yeah’ from behind him Akarei promises himself he’ll deal with the traitor later. “Epiphany: Chaos Summoning - Kijinn.” What can be loosely defined as a creature constructs it’s self out of flames, wind, and what looks like raw chakra. As it begins to attack the watch’s hand swipes pass the six back toward twelve. Losing no time the desperate man screams: Shadow Clone technique!” Attacking in concert with the monstrous summoning one throws a kunai that just clips a heavily bleeding Zabuza. Untransforming behind him the soaked leaf nin slams a chakra-laced fist into the back of his opponent’s head.

The hand passes twelve again and Akarei staggers as the watch stops and he sinks beneath the surface of the lake. Quickly scanning the area Naruto and Goheno run to the lake to fish out their sensei. Hearing a moan they watch in horror as the missing nin tries to get up. Four senbon land in his neck laying him back out. A slender nin of child-like statue kneels besides the body head tilted quizzically. “I apologize for not assisting sooner, but you appeared to have it in hand. I’ll take the body for disposal now.”

Thinking quick and trusting his gut Naruto attempts the jutsu he’d tricked Ino into using on him once. “Piracy of Mind technique.” Impossibly slow he all too soon finds himself on a frozen plane where on blood-red snow piles softly in perfect silence. “Where have you come from?” The little boy approaches in an innocent manner, but - “Sorry kid.”

Laying the unconscious child down he warps it in his short black coat. Opening his eyes he’s a little weirded out by the flattening out of color. “Crap, everything’s bluish. Hey panda-kun toss me a kunai! And be careful with my body!” Catching the kunai Goheno tosses him he marvels at the perfect reflexes this body has. “Shit. Wish I had dependable reflexes like this.” Waving off his friend’s good natured ribbing he lifts and drags the supposed corpse to the shallows. Ripping out two of the senbons he then brings the kunai down into the back of the skull severing the brain stem. Just as control is being wrenched from him he channels as much electricity through the steel as he can. 

Tossed back into his own body he can’t help but feel clumsy in comparison with the boy he’s just possessed. Watching the child fall to the ground clinging to the bleeding, twitching body he forces himself not to look away. ‘See this Naruto? This is what you’re gonna to do to everyone who cares about those murdering bastards from Grass.’ As the boy removes the kunai and raises it over his head Naruto restrains Ai. “Come on let’s get Tazuna and sensei to town. I’ll leave a clone here to watch over the bodies ‘til we can collect them.”

000

Dinner is an uncomfortable affair if only because a certain little brat is trying to conduct his own little pity party. Tapping his shoulder Ai signs a question just under the table. Nodding he elbows Goheno and informs him of their next step. “Why are you trying to be so ‘cool’? You’re only gonna get kill, you know.” Sharing a look the teens ignore the little brat as they hammer out a basic schedule of guard duty. “I hate people who don’t know when to quit! You think you can do anything, but you’re just a bunch of stupid kids who’ve never had to suff-” “Shut up.”

The temperature actually drops as Naruto begins to bleed killing intent. “You stupid, ignorant little ass. Is your family still breathing? Of course they are – hunter-nin didn’t appear in the middle of the night for yours. Your psychotic brother didn’t slaughter them all while he made you watch. Your father didn’t have to die because someone wanted your uncle’s eyes. Your father didn’t kill himself because of a hypocritical village’s views. Suffering? Suffering! A ninja’s life is suffering spent protecting and serving idiots like you.” Inari looks like he’s going to cry as Naruto seems to disappear before snatching him up by the collar.

“Listen well little boy. I have had a bad day. My sensei is comatose. I have killed a man and been directly responsible for the death of another my age. I am tired and stressed and you are being a pain in the ass. If you want to cry go ahead, but don’t dare speak of what you know not. Don’t you ever assume you’ve got it worse than anyone else, because you weren’t the first to suffer and you won’t be the last.” Dropping the child he stalks off to take the first watch.

All in all today has been a spectacularly sucky day. Sensei is knocked out upstairs with that freaky watch of his glowing ominously. Goheno and Ai have withdrawn into their own little worlds and Naruto… Naruto hands drip with fresh blood. It isn’t his first and it’s certainly won’t be his last brush with murder, but - “I have never seen the consequences of my actions and my empathy is - was thick…” Shrugging it off he climbs to the roof wishing he were home so he could practice his shadow clones.


End file.
